Day 14: Owning my Shit

I missed a day writing yesterday. But it was an incredibly productive day none the less. I went and took a screen acting class. I have taken a few other workshops in the past but none of them quite inspired me in the way that this one did. I was challenged to 'own my shit', to take responsibility for myself. The advice in this course was incredibly inspiring. And it made me want to keep coming back regularly, so hopefully that will become the norm.

A lot of what we went through yesterday was rather similar to work that I did in college. When I was at Bennington I took a class on Anne Bogart's Viewpoints, and later I was part of a collaborative physical theatre production that was built through viewpoints work. That particular show is, to this day, one of the best things I have ever worked on. The ensemble was so tight, and the piece was so interesting. Really unlike anything else. I loved working on it, and it challenged me to grow in many different ways. So to come across that sort of style again yesterday was wonderful.

The main point that we kept coming back to was to be aware of everyone else, rather than yourself. If you get caught up in watching, and judging, yourself and your own performance then there is no way that you can truly respond to what your fellow actors are giving you. You have to be open to them, to receive what they say and respond to it. A lot of it was about following impulses. I haven't been challenged like that, to actually follow my impulses rather than to approach it intellectually, in a while. Especially since I have been working mostly on my own - in a vacuum. I need to find ways of bringing that spontaneity into my self taping, which I think will be a challenge without a scene partner. Hopefully I can convince some of my friends to collaborate with me, but for the most part I will be doing this work on my own. I do think there are ways of achieving this, I just need to explore a bit.

I the class the teacher mentioned several things that I would like to look in to further. Mostly the work of Stanislavski. Now, we did touch on Stanislavski in college, but I didn't give his work the attention that I think I should have. But it is never too late to keep learning. So I think this will be extra homework outside of my daily practice, and these fortnightly classes. She also mentioned a few other books, and ideas to look in to - I heard a lot about quantum physics!

It's exciting to be approaching the work like this again. I think in the past, well certainly during my undergrad degree, I didn't dedicate myself to this sort of work in the way I wish that I had. Oh I was a dutiful student, and I did all the work and took extra classes. But I wish that I had attacked it with this sort of energy. The sort of energy we got in class yesterday was inspiring. I was so excited when I left the class that I just wanted to turn around and go back.

However, I have to admit, that I went back to some of my bad habits today - letting myself get distracted. But it wasn't all bad. I did spend a while working on my upcoming recall, the other exciting news from yesterday. Finally, having something come back to me. It is nice to have my instinct validated. So now, I get to work on my New York accent, and learn some more 60's pop for Thursday, as well as my daily practice. I am very excited to give this one another shot!

Day 12: Watching myself

I went back and watched a few of my videos from the past several days. I found this surprisingly difficult. I have gotten much better at watching my work as I am doing it - filming a take, watching it back and then trying again with adjustments. However, today I showed them to someone else. This turned out to make quite a difference. I was profoundly embarrassed. When I am watching with someone else it becomes incredibly personal. I look at the work with the viewpoint of someone other than myself, and all I see are the flaws. 

One of the scenes was incredibly same-y the whole way through, no variation at all. Another was far too over the top. There was very little middle ground. I looked at my work today and could only see how far away I was from where I wanted to be. I didn't see any of the distance that I have come.

I think this goes hand in hand with wanting to get some outside critique. Which is why I think it is so important that I take this class tomorrow. I need some direction. I don't understand how to get better work out of myself so I need some more tools. I think I also need a better approach to the work before I turn on the camera. 

Learning to watch myself is every bit as important as doing the work in the first place. If I cannot give myself constructive feedback then I can't go any further. I need to find ways to get past this block and become more comfortable putting myself out there. It is easy to share short clips on instagram because I can pick and choose the best clip. Putting the whole scene out for everyone to see is still something I find very frightening. I have been encouraged to start a youtube channel to host all of my videos. I haven't yet, partly because it terrifies me. I also am reluctant to put this early work out there, because I don't want it to count against me. I know it is unfinished, and not ready for wider consumption. I want industry professionals to see better work, and not be influenced negatively by this early stuff. 

Hopefully tomorrow will help me turn a corner. I will by no means be 'there' yet, but I think it might just be enough of a boost that I can push on. 

Day 11: And then the Rains Came

The weather has definitely turned. Goodness did it rain this morning. I always being inside when it rains. Feeling the cool breeze, and watching it come down. I sat out back for a while to take it in. 

I felt like I needed to push myself a little bit today with my acting. I think I've picked things that are in my comfort zone a bit. All acting roles that I know I could play on some level. I tend to gravitate towards nice, and happy, or funny. I needed to pick something down today. This went well with the rain too. So I decided to film out back with the rain behind me. I really liked the atmosphere. I wasn't fully satisfied with my work, but it was a start. 

I am taking a workshop on Friday. I am really looking forward to it. And I am utterly terrified. I know that I fall short in a lot of areas in film acting. I need to work on making braver choices, faster. I can make obvious choices quickly or interesting choices with rehearsal. The trick is getting them both. Hopefully this challenge will really help with that. 

I think I need to start stockpiling material. I keep scrambling for stuff on line. I really want to find a few good plays to sink my teeth in and do some extended work on, as well as having pieces to work up quickly. Time to start scouring the pilots database I found for fresh stuff. I may also need a trek to the National theatre bookstore. Start building up my books again. I have so many that I've left in the states because they are difficult to pack. 

I hate realizing all the stuff I've left behind. It's random, and it catches me by surprise. It's always something totally unexpected. I just have to keep adding to the small stash I have now! I think I might need to inspire myself with a trip to the south bank soon!!

No word on my audition from yesterday. This is not at all surprising. I know that it'll take a few days for them to turn around, and they may still be auditioning today too. Also it's highly likely I won't hear anything. I totally accept all of that, and I'm not worrying or sitting by the phone moping. It's just something that I am aware of at the back of my mind. Maybe I'll get a call. Who knows?!

Day 10: Audition Day

I'm sure my neighbors were pleased with me this morning. Up and at 'em bright and early to get ready. I always feel bad practicing (loudly) before 10am, but sometimes it is a necessary evil. I'm sure they appreciate the trumpet wake up call!

Honestly, I think things went pretty well this morning. I wouldn't say that I knocked it out of the park, but I was really pleased with my audition. It was a little bit unusual, or unexpected rather. They'd had us learn one of two songs, and asked us to bring an instrument if applicable. I agonized over what to bring in on the trumpet, and ended up spending the weekend memorizing two different pieces. I only played one, but really the practice was very helpful. I know I need to keep it up in anticipation of the next audition. That pretty much all went as expected. However at the end the director asked if there was anything else I would like to sing. Anything at all out of my book. I was a little taken aback, and I started flipping through my material to pick something similar to the genre. But he went on to clarify that he didn't mind the style, just wanted to see me perform something that I was completely comfortable in.

I wasn't quite sure how I felt about this. I mean, it's fantastic to be asked to sing whatever you like. That sort of thing never happens in an audition. And it is great to be able to go in with something that you know backwards and forwards, something you know you are good at. I tend to agonize over what to bring to an audition, trying to pick the most suitable piece for both myself and the show I am auditioning for. I really love hunting down the best song. So it was a nice, although surprising opportunity.

At the end, as I left, the director gave me some unsolicited feedback. He told me that I had done a 'really beautiful audition'. What a nice thing to hear! I can't tell you how much the positive response means. Hopefully it will then turn in to a recall, and getting cast in the show. But for the moment I am content to hold on to that one compliment. I need to remember it, and take it to heart.

Earlier this summer, I had an audition. One of the best auditions I have done in a long while. One of those auditions where you walk out of the room and know that you absolutely nailed it. That sort of feeling of security doesn't come very often. I was devastated when I then did not get the show. In fact I didn't even get a recall. It really knocked my confidence for a while. However a few weeks after the fact I got an email from them with some nice feedback. I wrote them an email thanking them, to which they then responded with further praise and encouragement. A coworker of mine crossed paths with one of the creative team, who positively mentioned my audition in particular as well.

This sort of continued feedback is practically unheard of. As someone who has worked in casting, I understand that you do remember the people who make an impression. But that information rarely gets communicated. So to be on the receiving end of that sort of encouragement and support is kind of incredible. I have definitely been doubting myself recently, and so this has been fortifying. I think it is also interesting that this is happening now, while I am pushing myself to grow and improve. The two may not be related, but I certainly feel like I am finally making some sort of progress - both within myself and outside of myself in the theatre community.

I can only hope that it continues. I know that I certainly will keep going. 10 days down, 90 to go,

Day 9: One of Those Days

I am definitely having 'one of those days'. You know the ones. Nothing feels quite right, everything is just a little bit off. It's not anything major, nothing earth shattering. But nothing is working quite the way it should.

This is a little bit alarming because I have an audition tomorrow morning. I want to walk in to that room knowing I've done my work. Knowing that everything sounds good, everything is sitting right, and I won't make any stupid mistakes. And while I have been working on the material consistently, and I know it, today I do not feel good about it. My vocal cords are dry, my fingers are sluggish. Nothing is sounds quite in time, or in tune. It's incredibly frustrating. And I am pretty sure it is my own damn fault.

After a week of virtuous living - healthy eating, exercise every day, plenty of sleep, plenty of practicing; then comes the weekend. I relaxed a little bit and let things slip. I had a lovely Sunday lunch with some friends and then grabbed a drink after dinner as well. And this has turned everything sour. It's unfortunate. Yes, perhaps I overindulged a little bit, but I didn't go crazy.

It's incredibly frustrating.

I am definitely struggling recently with the question 'why can't I have it all'? Why can't I keep up all of my skills without sacrificing any of them? Why can't I enjoy good food when I want to? And really it's not fast food or junk food. These are home cooked, or decent restaurant meals, and yet the scales creep ever upwards. Even with daily gym visits and walking everywhere. I am putting in the work, and I am not seeing the results I want to.

I am by no means giving up. This just has to become incentive to continue, and to work harder and smarter. This is why I have found new ways to focus myself and stay motivated. But I am ready for things to start paying off. So, crossing my fingers for tomorrow. I'll be up early, annoying our phantom neighbors by warming up. And hopefully the saying will hold true - Bad dress rehearsal, good opening'.

Day 8: Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I definitely have periods of time when I feel like I am trying to keep too many balls in the air. Usually these times aren't when I am actually working, but rather between jobs. When I am in a show, or working on a project, I know exactly what skills I need to be keeping up. The script, or the director, or the circumstances are pretty easy to judge. The circumstances will be set, and I will know whether I need to use a certain accent, dance style, musical style or gymnastics skill walking in the door. If not before I start the project, then certainly soon after.

However, in between shows it is a whole other game. Trying to guess which skills you'll need for the next show is impossible. So, in vain, I try and keep everything going at the same time. And it's not just singing, dancing, acting and trumpet. Acting can cover everything from comedy, to drama, to tragedy. Classical and modern. Different styles and accents. Likewise singing can be contemporary, classical, opera, operetta, pop, rock and many other styles. Dance covers jazz, ballet, tap and the list goes on. It's impossible to keep everything up.

So here I am trying to stay afloat. Picking the trumpet back up whenever an audition comes up. Knowing that there is always more that I can be doing. But at least I am in a routine at the moment. My 100 days of self taping is giving me a medium to judge my acting and actually critique myself for once, something that is very difficult to do. So I actually feel like I am making some progress for once, rather than just treading water and trying to keep afloat. It's a nice change. I still feel overwhelmed by everything, but at least for the moment there is something that I know is working.

Day 7 - Keeping up

Just a quick note before the end of the day. I'm struggling a bit with this one, since its my second post today. I don't want to fall behind because I know that it will only get harder to catch up. So here I am writing again, although all I want to do is go to bed. 

However, here goes. Thoughts on today. It's been an interesting day for viewing, two things quite on the opposite end of the scale. 

High brow: a chamber production of the opera Carmen, focusing on the idea of Carmen being in an abusive relationship. There were some beautiful performances, especially from the women. It was an interesting take on a piece that is done very frequently. However there were some weak spots in the staging and some gaps to fill. All in all though I was very impressed.

Low brow: Wet Hot American Summer Camp (or whatever the show is called). While there were parts that I found quite fun, on the whole it felt like the actors were having a whole lot more fun filming the show than I had watching it. Maybe I needed the context of the film?

I worked on my New York accent this morning while filming, in preparation for my audition on Tuesday. Feeling fairly decent about the audition. We'll see how things go. Thats all for now!