I forgot to write yesterday. At some point I sat down, pulled up the page and then choked. I couldn't figure out where to start. So I figured that I would leave it for the time being and come back to it later in the day. Except I didn't. So I am picking up again this morning.
I'll start with this. I was disappointed in my own performance at the audition on Wednesday. I was caught off guard, which is entirely my own fault. I am so used to having material to prepare for an audition that the fact they didn't give us anything threw me. I figured that so much of commercial casting comes down to the visual that I didn't have to put any thought into the audition. This, of course, is false. And rather lazy on my part. Of course they'll ask me for something. And really in reading the brief I could have figured out the sort of thing that they were looking for - positive reactions to having my hair done. It's basically a shampoo commercial. We've all seen the one - throughout the commercial you see a group of women who have been transformed by their hairdressers and they all gush about it. Not rocket science. However I felt totally cheesy and stupid in the audition. It is my job to get past this and make it truthful.
So I spent some time reworking this task yesterday. I am still not completely satisfied with my work, and this was part of why I was reluctant to put my thoughts down on paper. I still struggle with how contrived these things are, and how unnatural. This is something I need to get over. Commercials are good work, and I would be stupid to dismiss that. I made some progress yesterday, but I think I still come across pretty fake. So, I will keep going.
I also spent a large period of time looking for material yesterday. It's very easy to get caught up on that step. There is so much material out there that it is a bit daunting. It is also much more difficult to find good material written for women than it is for men. Type in 'best monologues film' and you get list upon list of people's opinions about the best screen moments. 90% of them, if not more, will be men. I found this both frustrating and infuriating. Putting the entrenched bias aside I did eventually find several good sources.
The next hurdle was actually getting to work. I struggled a bit on many fronts yesterday. I had the house to myself so it seemed like a waste not to put it to good use and tackle something more than just the audition rehash. However it is a daunting prospect, filming. This is why I want to be doing this 100 days. However, even just performing for myself is a scary prospect. Really this whole thing scares the shit out of me. I worry about coming across as narcissistic on social media, which is a stupid thing to worry about. I worry that everyone will get sick of the repetition. I worry that I'm not any good and people will hate it. So yesterday I forced myself to put some of my actual acting up on instagram. Something I had been putting off because it completely terrifies me.
The universe did reward this amazingly enough. Not only did my few close friends following me like the post, but a handful of strangers did too. Right off the bat. I was pretty floored by this. People who don't feel they have a social obligation to placate me enjoyed this? Wow! I was pretty pleased to say the least. Maybe I'm actually on the right track with some of this stuff. Now, I need to not get complacent. Lots of work still to do.
More thoughts this evening.
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